I spy with my little eye, a flooded basement and a (heavily-pregnant) Instagram mole.
We all may deny and condemn it, but if we’re honest, we love a bit of handbags between footballers. But when there’s a spat between WAG’s, on social media, with spy-work involved… during an international break – you can’t ask for more really.
You already know the story, but I’m obliged to pad out the word count so, here’s what happened……….(ten ellipses for dramatic effect).
Coleen Rooney was annoyed that her private information was being leaked to The Sun, and the 33-year-old became suspicious of her private Instagram followers – one in particular – and laid a trap to catch the culprit red-handed.
Her cunning plan (involving a flooded basement and gender selection in Mexico??) bore fruit, and Rooney declared on Twitter that the mole was in fact……….Rebekah Vardy, wife of Leicester City striker Jamie Vardy! Suspense of Hitchcock proportions, a plot twist to match The Usual Suspects.
That’s where it all ended really, nothing to see here.
Oh wait. It proper kicked off online. And everyone was there for it.
Ffs could there be a worse day for the rugby to bump Loose Women off the telly
— Adam Crafton (@AdamCrafton_) October 9, 2019
I will vote for any political party who agree to immediately give us the rest of the day off so we can follow this Coleen Rooney/Rebekah Vardy thing properly.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) October 9, 2019
Rooney executed her prose to perfection, and the final line was a hammer blow that no one saw coming. Literary history was made.
“It’s ……….Rebekah Vardy’s account.” is arguably the best ending to anything that I’ve ever read.
— Danger Mouse Is Cool, Okay (@ScoutedSav) October 9, 2019
Coleen’s fool-proof plan may have had its doubters, but once VAR intervened, there was only one possible outcome.
Wayne’s wife earned the respect of many for her impressive investigative skills, catching out Rebekah hook, line and sinker.
Some of us even had bigger plans for Mrs Rooney.
Get Coleen Rooney to solve Brexit
— Nish Kumar (@MrNishKumar) October 9, 2019
Others were just huge fans of the cojones on our Coleen.
With all of Coleen’s fake news (did I mention gender selection in Mexico???) and perfectly laid traps, we all began to question what is real, and what information we had fallen suckers to.
Is Wayne Rooney still moving to Derby, or was that just Coleen having Rebekah Vardy on and it’s gone too far?
— Si Lloyd (@SmnLlyd5) October 9, 2019
As the war gained immediate traction, even the Twitter heavyweights were getting involved.
0 – Despite spending four hours & 22 minutes together on the pitch for England in total, Jamie Vardy and Wayne Rooney never created a single goalscoring chance for one another. Awkward. pic.twitter.com/qS4H1G93nN
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) October 9, 2019
we’re going to have to make a documentary about this, aren’t we
— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) October 9, 2019
Whilst the entire online world was basking in the dropping of the biggest bombshell in history, shots were fired back, and we just weren’t ready.
Rebekah Vardy was not in the mood for a party.
VAR was called upon once more to clarify the excuses pulled out of the fire by Vardy, but Stockley Park was having none of it.
It’s safe to say, we weren’t really buying the old ‘hacked account’ excuse from Beks.
“Over the years, various people have had access to my Insta and just this week I found I was following people I didn’t know and have never followed myself.” pic.twitter.com/0uyHnbstTq
— Andy Ha (@AndyHa_) October 9, 2019
The whole of Twitter shared a simultaneous sharp intake of breath when Rebekah wheeled out the ‘pregnancy’ card, and once again, we were having none of it.
Lmfao Mrs Vardy threw in the heavily pregnant in there like a prime Kevin Spacey
— kismo (@kxsmo) October 9, 2019
It was game, set and match to the Rooneys, as the Vardy’s reply fell on deaf ears. Can we have one of these every international break, please?
Imagining the Vardy household right now, Rebekah shrieking blue murder, Jamie’s on his ninth Red Bull of the morning, kids are crying
— melissa cox (@mmdotcox) October 9, 2019